Bricomarché!! (Rules not Service!)

Perhaps it is through some national sense of unease at the rise of supermarkets and gradual decline of local shops that the French shopping experience in large national chains (Such as Bricomarché) is so utterly obtuse.

The amount of form filling, ticket holding, needless waiting, shoulder shrugging, rules and bureaucracy is staggering. It's not as if any of it is aimed at providing superb service or efficiencies that are passed onto the consumer (far from it, I could do my DIY shopping at Harrods for less). It seems to me to be uniquely aimed at ensuring, the shopper fully understands the immense privilege he should feel by spending his money at Bricomarché!

Last autumn, I had the misfortune of attempting to return four, four meter lengths of copper pipe and some valves to our local store, which I visit regularly and have spent a considerable amount of time and money in. Some of the process I was aware of, by studying how the locals did it, so I knew that as you walk into the shop, you need to catch the attention of the lady behind the counter who will give you a ticket. It turns out that the ticket says "4 x copper pipe" (Or words to that effect) on it. This served the purpose of allowing me through the automatic barrier to the customer returns department, without being accused of stealing copper pipes. The customer services department is the other end of the same counter where I handed my ticket over to the same lady, who then took the time to read the ticket she had, not ten seconds previously, written and actually checked to make sure there were, as she had just written, 4 copper pipes about my person.

So far so good, I was maintaining a sense of humour at being thrown into farce but then made my first mistake, I produced the 2 valves from my pocket. Oh dear god, if my hand had contained a live grenade, the look on her face could not have been more appalled. My French (lessons underway) is not what it should be but through observation of a particularly animated conversation between her and her colleague I got the impression I had committed a grave, possibly capital, offense. My broken pleas that she had seen me walk into the shop and was watching me the whole time were met with "but where is your ticket?", when I suggested that she write me a ticket now, she called the manager!

Further arm waving conversations between all three of them, intermingled with furtive glances in my direction (Still holding my four, four meter pipes aloft, like some contemporary jouster ready to charge, and the incriminating valves in a slightly more sheepish fashion) seemed to produce a bit of progress. I was not, it seems, to accused of theft (again!) and they would be happy to deal with my returns provided I had my receipt.

Ah!

My second mistake was to lose my receipt, more arms were waved (or possibly the same ones but more vigorously), further conversations were had and once again the manager was called over.

French or no I got the very clear message that they could not help me. Sense of humour gone by now, I thought to myself "I don't need Bricomarché as much as they need me, I going to go for a Franglaise rant". This I did and I rather surprised myself at how well I could make a point in angry French! Had my rant been song it would have had the title "Rules not Service". You get the idea.

As I prepared to storm out, not easy with my 4 meter pipes clattering into everything within a two meter radius, I was called back and told everything would be fine, full refund, no (more) questions asked just as long as I took the refund as a credit onto my loyalty card. So it seems the rules can be bent as a very last resort!

I'm sure this approach is not going to be the basis of my future transactions in France but hanging onto my paperwork will certainly have to be. That's all folks.