French Queuing Theory

There is an oft quoted theory that the differences between the French and the British can be most plainly seen when they are queuing and especially when they do this together.  We British see ourselves as patient and considerate in a queue and view the French as chaotic and rude.  The French on the other hand seem to view our adherence to queuing protocols as faintly amusing and somewhat self defeatist.

It is easy to interpret the queues in these ways but I have recently looked at things slightly differently.

In a supermarket for example, the British have an unspoken rule of first come first served.  Even when till 2 opens up, those in line at till 1 will shuffle backwards and re-assemble at till 2 in the same order.  We've all nipped in every now and then but (and be honest) do you ever turn and look behind you afterwards? No, because you know you've broken protocol and don't need the just and silent admonishment from your fellow shoppers!  The upside of British queuing technique is that if everyone follows the rules no-one gets cross or upset and all possible conflict is avoided.  The down-side is that if you are late or in a rush you have to stand in line, take your medicine and wait your turn.

The French on the other hand simply don't get cross or upset.  If a new till opens up whoever gets there quickest gets served first and those who miss out don't bat an eyelid.  This way, if you are in a rush and you cut in, you can get out of the supermarket faster and without feeling you've upset anyone. Those with time don't care and those without push in.  The upside is again that no-one gets upset but also late people get served quicker.  The downside is that there are always a few irate Britons in the queue!

Bricomarché!! (Rules not Service!)

Perhaps it is through some national sense of unease at the rise of supermarkets and gradual decline of local shops that the French shopping experience in large national chains (Such as Bricomarché) is so utterly obtuse.

The amount of form filling, ticket holding, needless waiting, shoulder shrugging, rules and bureaucracy is staggering. It's not as if any of it is aimed at providing superb service or efficiencies that are passed onto the consumer (far from it, I could do my DIY shopping at Harrods for less). It seems to me to be uniquely aimed at ensuring, the shopper fully understands the immense privilege he should feel by spending his money at Bricomarché!

Last autumn, I had the misfortune of attempting to return four, four meter lengths of copper pipe and some valves to our local store, which I visit regularly and have spent a considerable amount of time and money in. Some of the process I was aware of, by studying how the locals did it, so I knew that as you walk into the shop, you need to catch the attention of the lady behind the counter who will give you a ticket. It turns out that the ticket says "4 x copper pipe" (Or words to that effect) on it. This served the purpose of allowing me through the automatic barrier to the customer returns department, without being accused of stealing copper pipes. The customer services department is the other end of the same counter where I handed my ticket over to the same lady, who then took the time to read the ticket she had, not ten seconds previously, written and actually checked to make sure there were, as she had just written, 4 copper pipes about my person.

So far so good, I was maintaining a sense of humour at being thrown into farce but then made my first mistake, I produced the 2 valves from my pocket. Oh dear god, if my hand had contained a live grenade, the look on her face could not have been more appalled. My French (lessons underway) is not what it should be but through observation of a particularly animated conversation between her and her colleague I got the impression I had committed a grave, possibly capital, offense. My broken pleas that she had seen me walk into the shop and was watching me the whole time were met with "but where is your ticket?", when I suggested that she write me a ticket now, she called the manager!

Further arm waving conversations between all three of them, intermingled with furtive glances in my direction (Still holding my four, four meter pipes aloft, like some contemporary jouster ready to charge, and the incriminating valves in a slightly more sheepish fashion) seemed to produce a bit of progress. I was not, it seems, to accused of theft (again!) and they would be happy to deal with my returns provided I had my receipt.

Ah!

My second mistake was to lose my receipt, more arms were waved (or possibly the same ones but more vigorously), further conversations were had and once again the manager was called over.

French or no I got the very clear message that they could not help me. Sense of humour gone by now, I thought to myself "I don't need Bricomarché as much as they need me, I going to go for a Franglaise rant". This I did and I rather surprised myself at how well I could make a point in angry French! Had my rant been song it would have had the title "Rules not Service". You get the idea.

As I prepared to storm out, not easy with my 4 meter pipes clattering into everything within a two meter radius, I was called back and told everything would be fine, full refund, no (more) questions asked just as long as I took the refund as a credit onto my loyalty card. So it seems the rules can be bent as a very last resort!

I'm sure this approach is not going to be the basis of my future transactions in France but hanging onto my paperwork will certainly have to be. That's all folks.